Wednesday, October 19, 2011

WWE Raw-17/10/11

-Viva la Mexico! This week’s show is bought to us from Mexico City, which means a hot crowd, Spanish chants, and great signs with phrases that just make sense but also don’t. Question: why no Sin Cara? Either of them?
-Announcers feuding yet again! This time Cole with JR. Yay! Amazing! The last time two announcers feuded with each other was a spectacular success! It was not a waste of television time at all and was a very worthwhile addition to the Wrestlemania card! Oh, and if you think I was being serious just then you’re clearly on crack. End this now, please.
-6-man tag: Orton/Sheamus/JoMo v Henry/Christian/Rhodes. Pre-match Irish folk tale? Not this week. Boo, hiss. I love those stories about goats and green testicles and arses. This would be the first Mark Henry match I haven’t fast-forwarded through in months, and that’s only because there’s so many other people in this match to distract from him. Basically Henry crushes JoMo for an eternity in his usual gorilla style, and wins with the WSS from a mid-air catch.
-Mr John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw and Official Guinness World Record Holder For The Longest Title Ever must have recently spent some time at the Vincent Kennedy McMahon School of how to be a dirty old ladies man as he lets the Bella Twins hang all over him. Which is totally not another reason to hate him, no, definitely not. D-bag.
-CM Punk v The Miz. Awesome Truth do their ‘You Suck’ musical number as Punk punks (Don’t know what punking is? GTFO of my house) in the ring with this amazing ‘ARE YOU TWO FOR REALS?’ expression on his face. Pucking. Priceless. Trips comes out to watch his partners back. I love saying that. Yeah, you heard me, I love them as a team. Got a problem with that? Mid-match he gets carted out of the arena by immigration officials as Johnny Ace garbles some bullsquirt about paperwork or shit. Then starts texting. DUDE IS ALWAYS TEXTING. Suss or what? An even, attention holding mid-show match, Punk with the win via rollup.


-Vickie G: Didn’t look half bad in that senorita dress! Ziggler: You are a pop culture reference machine and I’m loving your promo work. Swagger: Your singing is even worse then Jillian’s. Remember her? Ryder: Another win for the internet champ, Long Island Iced Z! WWWYKI! Ryder with the win over Swagger in a lickety split via Ruff Ryder.
-Mason Ryan v Ziggler. Good news: Ryan no longer reminds me of Batista. Bad news: He now reminds me of the Whomping Willow from Harry Potter. For those who aren’t Potter-nerds, that’s a giant tree that whacks people. He’s a tree in a Batista costume with a Welsh accent, and he loses via DQ after refusing to stop whomping at the five count.
-JR and Cena in the locker room. No BBQ sauce required on that trash talk from JR, it’s zingy enough as is. Michael Cole is a snivelling…rodent like…SUMBITCH.
-You forgot to add ‘Looks criminally silly in amateur wrestling attire.’ Cena/JR V Del Rio/Cole, winner picks stip for Vengeance. Double dose of stupidity really, with the aforementioned pointlessness of announcers fighting and the fact that they basically gave away the PPV main event for free. But I’m cheap, I’ll take it. Reaction to Cena in Mexico much like reaction to Cena everywhere else: chicks and kids are cheering, dudes and booing. Except judging by volume, pitch and copious signs with love hearts, Mexican chicks have an especially large girl-boner for Cena. They want to have, like, ten thousand of his babies. Horror of horrors, this match is all Cena and ADR. And it’s thoroughly decent stuff. Cena and Good ‘Ol JR get the win via AA on Cole and JR pin.
-Aftermath: THWACK! Would be the sound of steel steps crashing into ADR’S noggin, ONE TWO THREE ETC (Uno, Dos, Tres, what comes next, dammit?) is the sound of Cena counting to ten and LAST MAN STANDING is the stip for the match at Vengeance. Not excited for it.
Next week: Night after Vengeance!