***SPOILER ALERT***
Yeah, that’s how this weeks episode of True Blood, 307 ‘Hitting The Ground’ started. So you just know it’s gonna be one wild ride. 
Ding Dong, the witch is dead! Yes, much to the delight I’m sure of many viewers, Lorena got her ass staked. In a grand exit befitting her dastardly villainousness and undying love for Bill, she spread her arms while laying on top of him and getting choked by a silver chain, leaving her wide open for Sookie to sink a fence post into her. There have been a few vamps get staked on TB, so you’ll likely be familiar with the style of grisly disintegration that the show employs. But this would have to be the most awesome staking yet. Her eyes turned dead, she spewed forth a geyser of blood from her mouth, then said blood and what was left of her solid bits rained down all over poor Stephen Moyer, who has spent 90% of the last 2 episodes positively covered with red syrupy goo. And you know what? After wishing desperately for her swift demise just last week, I think I’m really going to miss her. Lets hope Franklin returns next week to fill the void of missing psycho.
Really, after starting with a death that’s what this episode turned out to be about. Death, and near death. Not content to kill just one villain, Coot also kicked the bucket, shot in the noggin by Alcide. Nooooooooo! I freakin’ loved that trashilicious redneck werewolf, and am lamenting the loss of future schoolboy trash talk between him and Bill. There is, however, a positive to come out his death: Debbie now wants to tear Sookie (and Alcide) to shreds even more. After hearing so much pre-season about what a crazy bitch she would be I’m very much looking forward to her going into total spurned ex-lover/wolfy predator mode. I think (or at least hope) that there’s going to be some action packed TV in coming weeks involving this little triangle.
After putting two and two together last week connecting Tommy’s scars and Mom and Pops dependence on him for money, Sam snuck into a low rent country dogfight to get little bro the hell out of there. As a wrap up for the first mystery of the season and the first Sam/Mickens family storyline it was ok, if a little too long. I’m very glad they didn’t show any simulated dog fighting; even the dogs getting put down made me a little sick. I’m gonna get on my soapbox for a sec here and encourage y’all to donated to the RSPCA, PETA, WSPA or any other animal rights organization, because this and much more horrifying stuff does happen to animals, and it’s fucking disgraceful. I really hope for poor, never-get-a-break sweet as pie Sam’s sake that Tommy is not doing a shifty on him. Sam needs some peace, writers, throw the guy a bone! (huge pun intended.)
Things always happen in threes, and there was a third death at the episode’s conclusion. As you may remember from a couple of weeks back, the Magister is keeping Pam prisoner in the Fangtasia dungeon, waiting for Eric to haul in Bill to take the fall for the V-dealing. He’s been delighting in her misery at being chained to a table, and is pleased as punch to pierce her eyelids with some pretty little sterling silver Tiffany earrings. Pam is still all sass while being threatened by a very powerful vampire, reinforcing the fact that she is one of the best characters on this show.
As we’re about to cover our eyes so that we don’t see Pam’s get mutilated, Eric shows up. As does Sophie-Anne, and as does Russell. Eric and Pam have an extremely tender moment when he asks if she’s ok and strokes her hair, which lasted maybe a couple of seconds but was one of the most moving events of this episode and something I found to be more obviously emotional than all of the Bill/Sookie stuff. Russell and the Magister argue, mostly about ‘the authority’, the Magister’s staunch reinforcement of ancient vampiric laws and Russell’s distaste for all of it. He eventually manages to coerce, through a combination of torture and just being an extremely old, powerful vampire, the Magister into pronouncing he and Sophie-Anne married. She’s so happy she could bleed, he’s all self-satisfied that he is one step closer to TOTAL DOMINATION, and they hilariously air-kiss to seal their nuptials. But Russell still isn’t satisfied. He launches into an anti-human yet strangely Darwinist tirade, reinforcing what was hinted at last episode and is the reason for his ultimate plan: because the vamps (and other supes) are, like, sooooo superior to us boring little humans in every way, our society shouldn’t dictate how they should behave and, actually, it would also be rather peachy if they enslaved us and ruled the world. Then, just to make a point, he lobs off the Magister’s head, which goes flying through the air and explodes like a watermelon upon hitting the floor (which happens to be the title of this episode. See what they did there?). My goodness, has it been a splatter fest these last two weeks.
There was a lot to like in that scene. I’ve said it before, Russell is the best villain the show has had and he continues to become more fascinating. He gets some amazing lines, and Denis O’Hare’s delivery of them is superb. It will be interesting to see if his actions from this week have consequences, and just how far he goes. Not to mention that I can’t wait to see Talbot’s reaction to the marriage! But of course, the biggest thing this week was not who died, but who nearly died and how. Bill is drained to the point of near-death after his ordeal in the barn. In the back of Alcide’s truck, Sook opens up her arm with a saw and gets Bill to feed. He sucks on her arm a little, she’s relieved. He pops fang and sucks harder, then begins to gnaw ferociously on her arm. Having now regained a little strength, he can pin her down, cover her mouth and gulp vast quantities of her delicious blood from her neck while she goes grey and limp underneath him. Yikety yikes. Luckily for her, Alcide has a weak bladder and they have to pull over for him to piss. Tara realises something ain’t right, and they pop open the door to see Sook with the complexion of a corpse and some fang marks and blood on the other side of her neck to match the ones she got from Lorena. Bill has no idea what the fuck has happened, but that doesn’t stop Tara, who is still hopped up on Franklin’s blood, from screaming ‘GET OOOUUUTTTT!’ kicking him out the truck and into the daylight. In a curious (yet obvious, since they won’t kill off Bill) twist, he doesn’t fry up like fatback bacon, just starts to smoke a little after a little while. Hmmmm. I have my theories, as I’m sure you do.
To me, this scene was a little bit flat for such a major moment, as this is going to shake up Sookie and Bill’s relationship something shocking. It felt quite rushed (it was a very short episode) and I think they should have lingered a bit longer on the fact that he was literally sucking the life out of her and couldn’t control it. More of a gradual fading I guess. Also I was expecting much more of a reaction from Bill. It seems like they’re saving all the remorse and whatnot for a super-heavy hospital conversation next ep, but his lack of reaction, except for mild confusion, struck me as odd, and not odd because I think he really meant to do it but odd as ‘we’ve only got 45 minutes this week so lets get to the coma dream.’
And oh my, that dream. Or vison, or visit to another world, whatever you want to call it Depending on who you ask it was either intentionally corny or just woefully bad. My opinion? It was corny, and slightly laughable. But is there a cool way to do, you know, those things that they are? I guess I have faith in this show that it was meant to be over the top to emphasise the difference between this world and that, and also the fact that Sookie was in a near-death state. And it threw in an obscene amount of cryptic details and foreshadowing, I’ve watched it twice and I think there’s still a few things I wouldn’t have caught. And the performances of all around the bedside, especially Ryan Kwanten as Jason were fantastic.
Overall verdict? Too short, much too short. I wonder why occasionally they’ll have such a cut down episode time? At first slightly under whelming, but improved on second viewing. Got me excited for next week. Nowhere near as good as the best of this season, but still consistent. 7.5/10
Best quotes:
Lorena- ‘What are you?’ Sookie-‘I’m the bitch who’s gunna kill you.’
Debbie- ‘You shouldn’t have. Vampire burrito, for me?’
Debbie again, for creepy delivery- ‘I will sniff you out. And I will hunt. You. Down.’
Jason- ‘I never thought I was smart enough to get depressed.’
Summer- ‘I really want you to taste my biscuits.’
Eric, after drinking from Hadley- ‘Mmmm, I give her three stars.’
Sookie to Bill before slicing her arm- ‘If you make it through this, you owe me.’
Sam- ‘Until I met you I thought the Merlottes were the worst people I ever met. You Mickens make them look like a couple of Dalai Lamas, you really fuckin’ do.’
Claudine, for sheer crypticness- ‘He will steal your light.’
Pam- ‘How’d you know I was a Tiffany’s girl?’
Magister- ‘They’re sterling silver.’ Pam- ‘Excellent. They’ll match my chains.’
Russell- ‘There’s a new fuckin’ authority in town!’
To Sophie-Anne- ‘Of course, my little pudding.’
‘There is only one law: the law of nature.’
Before beheading Magister- ‘Say hello to the true death.’
